For the past few days, Facebook users have been up in arms — some even threatening a boycott of the popular social networking site — as another satire article from The National Report goes viral. And yes, just like the reports that President Obama spent $4M on marijuana during a recent trip to Colorado, claims that a deadly strain of weed is turning users gay, and reports that Walmart plans to get into the weed business, Monday’s article reporting that a Facebook Drug Task Force will begin monitoring all messages beginning October 1 is also a hoax.
In the article published Monday, the National Report said that Facebook would be working with the U.S. federal Drug Enforcement Agency to monitor users for indications of drug activity:
Beginning October 1st, Facebook will be implementing a drug task force designed to arrest those who buy and sell narcotics while using the online social networking site. Facebook is calling the group the Facebook Drug Task Force, or FDTF, and will be monitoring all postings and messages created by its users.
Chairman and chief executive of Facebook, Inc., Mark Zuckerberg, spoke with CNN about the FDTF. “The task force was created to keep users of Facebook safe,” Zucckerberg said. “The FDTF will be working directly with the Drug Enforcement Agency and local law enforcement agencies. We’re gonna put away the bad guys.” Zuckerberg continued, “Online crime has risen to all-time highs. As the world’s number one social networking site I feel it is our job to protect our users from such deadly things as drugs.”
Paul Horner, spokesman for the DEA, told reporters he is excited to see Facebook going forward with their decision to implement a drug task force. “I’m thrilled,” Horner said. “We’re going to get all the drug pushers and dope addicts off Facebook once and for all. The marijuana junkies think they can socialize on the line with their fellow druggies, well, not on my watch. We’re gonna read their messages, we’re gonna build cases against them, and we’re gonna put em’ all in prison. It’s going to be beautiful.”
The National Report then published a follow-up article yesterday, claiming that the “Facebook Police” had made their first bust:
Facebook sets new first with corporately owned police force making arrest.
In it’s first official drug bust since the corporate behemoth Facebook began monitoring it’s users activity, two men were arrested Wednesday. The two are being arraigned as they await indictment in Menlo Park’s first corporately held jail cell on the grounds of Facebook Headquarters. The suspects names had not yet been released at the time of this writing. But a Facebook Drug Task Force (FDTF) spokesperson reassured us on the condition of anonymity “This is proof the new monitoring system is working. We’re out there catching the bad guys. The users of our service”
Facebook initially reported the user monitoring would not start until October 1st, however they claimed they had to make the bold move early to “catch the offenders off guard”, said Facebook Police Officer Jesse Fitzmaurice, the arresting officer in the groundbreaking arrest. Facebook users are startled by the development and have been posting their disdain for the move tirelessly on the site. More shocking than the arrest is the militarization of the Facebook Police. They appear to have been receiving the same federal armament and MRAP vehicles that other local municipal police forces have been receiving in return for sharing their crime database with the feds.
Thanks to this data sharing, all Facebook offenders will automatically be reported to the feds and live in the Federal Crime Database (FCD) indefinitely. This is part of an effort by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) to start considering American citizens as the new face of Al Qaeda. We are the new enemy “starting first and foremost with Facebook drug users”, said officer Fitzmaurice.
The National Report added that there are rumors the DEA will also create a hotline for pizza delivery drivers to report which customers are “obviously high.” The National Report makes no secret that they are a satirical publication. The website’s disclaimer page notes that “All news articles contained within National Report are fiction, and presumably fake news. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental.”
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